The Scoop

Journal
Tao and Zen
Web Log
FAQ
User Guide

My eBay Page
Lothie Dot Shop

Thoughts and Writings

Web lothie.com

Lothie User's Guide

Basic Personality

I laugh. I love to laugh, and I laugh a lot. I don't take myself seriously and I will probably not take you seriously most of the time either. That's not to say that we can't have a serious discussion ever -- I have those a lot -- but if you are not very into laughter, we will not get very far. I'm only going to get "worse" as time goes on because laughter is very therapeutic, and with my health what it is I need all the therapy I can get.

I'm severely chemically depressed, and have been since childhood. Most people don't realize it because I'm such a happy person that I don't seem depressed, but of course, chemical depression has nothing to do with how happy a person is. At any rate, having conquered my emotional issues to the point where it's obvious to me what is chemically caused and what is not, I started taking Lexapro in January 2008 to manage the chemical issues of depression and anxiety, and am responding very well to it. Ergo, while it's important to know that depression is a part of my basic personality, you may never see much evidence of it.

Attractions

I'm actually more attracted to women than to men, but I find men easier to have relationships with. Ergo, I have more relationships with men than with women. That said, I'm in a couple of lesbian relationships (one casual and one very much not so), so I'm content.

Possibly because I am more attracted to women than men, the men I often find the most attractive will tend to be androgynous. Long hair, big eyes, soft skin, all that. This is not to say that I will not be attracted to a man who isn't androgynous, just that that's my "type". Basically, think "elf boy" and you've got it. However, note that this is just what I find "hot" at first glance.

As far as women go, I have less of a "type"; I find everything about women attractive. If it's a girl, it's yummy by definition.

I find pale skin more attractive than dark, in general, but that's not to say I won't go for "tall dark and hawt". Note, though, that all my current lovers are as pale as I am.

I'm almost completely hairless myself (er, below the eyes that is) and don't find a lot of body hair attractive. That said, I like a little chest and leg hair on men, and "treasure trails" are cute. I like it if women are or appear to be at least as hairless as I am. I do have to say, though, that I once knew a woman who had a very thick dark bush and that was just REALLY sexy.

That's the physical stuff, of course...what attracts me within a person is naturally going to be more complex. Intelligence, a sense of humor (at one's self as much as anything else), and a feeling of personal power of some kind is the best place to start. Sensitivity is important, as well as a deep sense of spirituality (no matter the path, and I do mean "spirituality" rather than "religion"). Oh, and the ability to take responsibility for one's own actions and life is pretty paramount. I think that's a good place to start.

A person doesn't need to fit my physical "type"; that's just what I'm most quickly attracted to. What's inside matters a whole lot more, and in fact, I'll often ignore outside "type" for inside "type".

The Rules

I unfortunately have really crappy health, mostly due to CFIDS. I have always had a nasty reaction to the Herpes family of viruses, and the onset of CFIDS came for me after a really nasty case of mononucleosis (caused by Epstein-Barr Virus or EBV, part of the Herpes family, and thought to be a cause of CFIDS). I also had a nasty run-in with Chicken Pox, another Herpes virus, when I was a child. At any rate, sometimes I feel pretty great; at other times I can barely move. I do what I can to be functional, and I succeed pretty well. However, if I have to cancel personal plans because I'm not feeling well, I expect you to understand.

My depression is chemical, not situational. It's severe but I have learned to cope with it to the point where I function at a very high level. The depression and the CFIDS are the two reasons why I laugh a lot. I also have a lot of sex, which I find to be very therapeutic as well. I've had people question why I have so much sex if I'm so sick all the time; the answer is that it helps me to feel better.

I used to be fairly thin (size 4); since becoming ill, I've become rather fat (my highest size was a 26W; I'm currently hovering between 18W and 20W). The original reason for the weight gain was my second pregnancy, but I've just never managed to lose it and in fact have continued to gain (and then, sometimes, lose some). I don't like being fat; it doesn't look good on me (because I am very small-boned), plus it hurts (again, because I'm small-boned). Ergo I am always trying to lose weight (and have had some success), and I will sometimes whine about how fat I am. This is a personal thing for me. I have nothing against fat people in general; I have something against my being fat.

I like being affectionate with people I know really well. I do not like being affectionate with people I don't know really well. It often takes me a while to feel that I know someone well enough to hug, never mind any more than that. If you ask me for a hug, and I am not comfortable, I will say so. In general, I am not going to feel "violated" right off, if you step over my boundaries without asking. If you do so repeatedly I'll ask to talk about it. If it keeps happening, I will probably avoid your company. This applies to online interactions as well as in-person.

I'm a typical girl in that, when I talk about issues or problems that I have, I'm often really only looking for an ear, not advice. I don't really want to be lectured to, or have to justify why I did or am doing something. I just find that talking it out helps me solve my problem. Please don't assume I'm asking you for advice unless I say something like "what should I do?" If I don't ask, I've already got a plan. Please don't try to solve my problems for me. (On the other hand, if I ask for advice, I really do want it, so please, be honest. I might not like what you say but I really do want you to say it.)

I occasionally dissociate. Please keep this in mind when you're talking to me online or (more rarely) in person, but also keep in mind that it's not always obvious. Dissociation means, essentially, being out of one's head. I frequently forget what words or idioms mean, and it's worse when I'm extremely tired or under a lot of stress. It happens very rarely these days, but I won't get offended if you notice and ask about it.

I do drink and I do smoke etc., but in very small and non-habitual amounts (my body is too fragile for more than that). Please don't get on my case about this. I've been around long enough to know that I don't have a problem, but I've had enough people try to tell me I do that I have a hot button about it. If it bugs you, I won't do it around you, okay? In general I only smoke if everyone around me is also smoking, and I average less than a drink a day.

I have a genius IQ, I'm really good at what I do (though far from the best, I'll be the first to admit), and I've been insulted more times than I can remember by someone assuming that because I can do what I do, anybody can. Well, no, they can't. That said, I also don't have an exalted view of my own abilities and I'm not afraid to admit I don't know or I need help, as long as I have no reason to think I'll get a put-down in return. I do have something of a chip on my shoulder about being a woman in a man's field, especially since I'm physically unable to lift heavy things and I'm very short. I blow off steam about this by making girl jokes. It's okay for you to as well, as long as I know they're jokes.

Various people seem to think that I can't stand to be wrong or that I must have the last word. Neither is true; I certainly don't like to be wrong but if I can be shown that I am (and I'm reasonable about "proof"), I will admit it and apologize if that's warranted. As far as having the last word, it's not about trumping for me. It's about resolution. If I can't resolve a personal issue, I'll become bitter and resentful and yes, I will probably snipe about it. You can prevent this by communicating with me, and not avoiding responsibility for having hurt me. I'm not looking to lay all the blame on you; I'm looking for agreement on your part that I was hurt by your actions and that sucks and you want to help me feel better. Trust me, I am VERY forgiving, probably to a fault, but if you don't have enough balls for admit that you've hurt me, please don't insinuate yourself into my life. We'll both be better off without.

As for the other side of that, if I've hurt you, I will take responsibility for having done so and try to make amends. I do expect you to forgive me eventually, and that we will get past it. If that's not going to happen, please don't string me along; let's get it over with. But believe me, I'll do my best to make it better if you let me.

I can't stress it enough: communicate, communicate, communicate. I've been told (laughingly) that I over-communicate, but I am not sure that such a thing is possible. I try not to air every thought that's in my head, but I check in with partners and friends quite a lot. I need the same from them as well.

I had a very strange childhood, mostly because of being severely chemically depressed, plus having very, very conservative parents. As an adult, this makes for some very weird reactions to things at times. Also, there are cultural references I just don't get because I was not exposed to them. I'm trying to learn as many of them as I can but there are some gaps in my knowledge. As an example, there was almost no rock music in our house when I was a kid, so I had no idea about most popular music of the '60's and '70's. As an adult, I've tried to listen to as much of what is now "classic rock" as I can to fill in the gaps, and I would say that these days I know as much as the average joe (though not as much as a fan of any of these bands would know, in most cases). It's a process.

I'm polyamorous and bisexual. This doesn't mean I'm a slut or that I'm looking, but it does mean that I'm open to discussion. At this point in my life I have a pretty good idea of what I want. Currently I'm spending a lot of time focusing on my primary relationships, but that doesn't mean I can't flirt or take something under consideration.

Some poly people are hung up on "relationship hierarchy". I'm not, although I do sometimes use the terms "primary" and "secondary" and so on for clarity. I'm in a quad with Chris, Jason, and Angela, and as far as I'm concerned, that comes first. As kind of an overlay to that, my marriage to Chris comes first of all, because if the quad goes south, we're all agreed that the actual legal marriages come first and must be preserved. After the marriages and the quad, everything else is, necessarily, secondary (and this is true for all of us). Anybody who wants to get involved with any of us, or who has been involved with any of us previous to the quad being formed, needs to understand that.

One type of relationship situation that I refuse to get involved in is the "don't ask/don't tell" type of situation where someone wants to have a relationship (or perhaps just sex) with me without his (or her, but so far it's always been a man) primary partner being aware and okay with it. Sometimes the primary won't know at all; sometimes they are aware but they just don't want to think about it or hear details. I've done this, and I won't do it again. It makes me feel cheap and marginalized, and in my opinion it doesn't make the primary partner feel all that great either. So, basically, if you want to get involved with me, it's got to be on the up and up. Basically, if I can't call you and get your wife instead and have that be okay...nope.

As I've mentioned, my health is pretty poor. For that reason, I have to insist on regular (at least once a year) blood testing of any partners I have who also sleep with other people. Obviously, I'll also test regularly myself.

One hard boundary I have is that I cannot risk getting Herpes Simplex II, and I'm not crazy about risking Herpes Simplex I either (though that's a slightly fuzzier area so I won't be as rabid about it). I have had two herpes viruses, chicken pox and mononucleosis, and I have never recovered from either; they have contributed directly to my continued poor health. Ergo I am damn careful about risking further infection. It's not up for discussion.

I also insist on safer sex. For me this means using latex or polyurethane barriers for all sex, including oral sex, with all partners, except for Chris and Jason (our quad is fluid-bonded). These are the only exceptions, now and for the foreseeable future, to the latex rule, so please don't attempt to negotiate for something else.

Also, see this page for specific relationship questions that I've been asked to answer, and this page for specific sexual subjects.

More as I think of it...