Tao and Zen

I want to talk about forever. You know, it's that thing that people say when they're speaking of love. "I'm going to love you forever."

I don't believe in forever. That sounds cynical, but it's true and has been for a long time. However, it's not a very popular sentiment to express, and so I've kept it mostly to myself. It's only recently, in speaking with a like-minded individual, that I've begun to want to talk about it.

I believe that love never fails. That's part of my personal credo. However, as I've stated in the past, that doesn't mean to me that relationships never end. Relationships cannot live in stasis. They have to "end", if only in the sense of changing into something other than what they were. If X is my lover today, then next week -- or next month -- or next year, we may decide that something different is what's right for us. And I think this is what people have an issue with when they say they want to love "forever".

"If only it could always be just like this." How often have we heard this, how often have we said it? I know I have. When we believe that something is perfect, we want it to stay exactly that way. It seems a harmless enough wish, to hope that something you treasure and cherish will never change. However, it's really anything but.

A relationship is a product of the people who participate in it. If a relationship changes, it's because the people in it change. If it never changes, it's because the participants aren't changing. If the participants aren't changing, it means that they are not growing. If I wish that my relationship with my lover never changes, then I am wishing that my lover will never grow as a person. I can say with certainty that in the past, when I've said "I wish it could always be this way," I haven't meant to say "I hope my partner never grows." But in effect, that's what I'm saying.

So people change as they grow, and that means that their input into relationships change, and that means the relationships themselves change. An end is one type of change that can happen in a relationship. We'd like to think that relationships between loving and reasonable people would never end, but if we accept that the relationship must change due to the participants changing and growing, then we should also accept that ending might be one of the changes that takes place in the relationship. It seems so drastic to think that a relationship might end, but an ending is just another change, another milestone. In fact, I have found that if a relationship has to be utterly and abruptly cut off, it's because one of the partners resisted the concept of change altogether.

It's not really surprising that a lot of people might resist change in relationships even if they normally embrace change in other parts of their lives. Many of us think of certain types of relationships as anchors in our lives. "He's my rock," we might say, or "What would I do without her?" The problem is that when I define a relationship as an anchor for me, I am requiring that relationship not to change at all, or to change very little. If the relationship is not allowed to change, then neither are the participants. Ergo, by defining a relationship as an anchor, I require my partner to remain in stasis and not grow.

Does this mean that we should never depend on our partners? Of course not. What it means is that we should not define the people with whom we form relationships by the relationship type. This only makes sense since the other participant may have a different definition for that relationship type. I can label a relationship as "friend", "lover", etc., but I must remember that my labels do not lock the other participant into a certain type of behavior.

Realizing that my needs do not dictate a necessity for my relationship partner to behave a certain way creates a need for communication with that partner. Most people agree that communication in any relationship is necessary, but many don't have the skills to actually communicate effectively. To communicate effectively, I have to be able to recognize my needs and desires, present them clearly to my partner, and process his responses.

Learning to communicate effectively can cushion the blow when a relationship needs to change due to the growth of its participants, because we can begin to anticipate the need for such changes. Perhaps my friend feels that she needs to concentrate more on her job, and tells me this. If I know that she has such a need, then I will not be surprised when she decides to use instant messaging less frequently during her work day, and I will be less likely to take my decreased access to her personally. If I am not taking the changes my friend needs to make in our relationship personally, then my friend will be more likely to continue to be open to my needs as well, and the relationship will be less likely to terminate abruptly due to the need for change. Ergo, the more we allow our relationships and  partners to change, the more likely it will be that out relationships will last.

Even so, can they last "forever"? Maybe some relationships will last a lifetime. While hoping that my relationships last as long as possible, when I say "forever" I don't really mean that I expect a relationship to last until death do us part, never mind some metaphysical definition of "forever". Rather, when I say that I will love someone forever, I mean that there will always be some reality where I love that person, regardless of our actual relationship to each other. Once I choose to love a person -- in a personal way, not the respect and regard I try to show all persons -- I will always love that person. That love may, due to things that are said and done between us, turn to hate and bitterness for a period of time; I'm not perfect. But it will always turn to love again. I currently love every person whom I have ever loved.

Ergo, if someone asks me "Will you love me forever?" I can truthfully say that I will. But what I can't say is whether or not our relationship will last forever. That's not something anyone can truthfully promise, no matter how much they might wish to. Saying "forever" creates so many misunderstandings, because people need to grow and change; the only way "forever" can work is to agree to feel the love, and let the relationship go.

I've said in the past that I'll generally believe anything that I'm told from a person I love. It's true, too. It's really worse than that; I'm a tremendously credulous person. I don't necessarily believe everything I read, or the words of strangers, but I'll often believe things even people I don't particularly like tell me, if I know those people.

This can be a bad thing. If I believe something that turns out to be a lie, that can be pretty hurtful, particularly if I acted on that information. At the least, I'll look pretty stupid; at the most, other people can be hurt by the actions I take based on the lie. In most cases, though, all that's going to happen is that I look stupid. Saying that I believed something somebody told me doesn't really help that situation, because it's considered smart to be skeptical (and that's not necessarily wrong).

So, in short, I look stupid a lot, because I believe things that people say. Obviously, nobody likes to look stupid, particularly in situations where the lie was fairly obvious to everyone else. I'm no different; in fact, I really hate looking stupid.

On the other hand, I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to believe someone I love, or someone I care about, even when I know that person has lied to me (or otherwise been deceptive) before. Even if I am fairly sure that a person is habitually dishonest, I won't assume that what he or she says is a lie until I've been presented with fairly good evidence, or unless it's otherwise proved to me that this new thing is, in fact, untrue.

Even then, I rarely assume lies are malicious. Very often, I know, a person either really believes the lies he tells, or there is some reason behind why he tells lies in general that I want to try to understand. I have been in relationships in the past with habitual liars, and I never knew it to be the case that those people meant to hurt anyone. They weren't, in fact, dishonest people; it's just that on a regular basis, the things they said didn't fit the actual facts. Not unless or until such people turned on me was I angry at their lying; I just forgave it, every time.

From my perspective, lies hurt the teller far more than the person they're told to. First of all, it's very difficult to recover from the reputation of being dishonest. But more importantly, deception is a trap. Nobody is a villain in his own mind, so the liar must really believe the things he is saying, even if initially he knows he is lying. The more one lies, the more one becomes trapped in deceptiveness, to the point where everyone is an enemy and everything is a bad thing. Watching someone become trapped in deception is tragic; the best thing one can do is just step away and hope that eventually, the person can extricate himself without one's self to remind him of the initial set of lies that led to the spiral.

There are some days when I wish that I didn't so easily believe everything I am told. However, it's my nature, and so I've come to accept it. I think that even though I sometimes get hurt by it, I end up being happier in general, and I am a stronger person for the hurt I've suffered because I chose to believe a lie told me by someone I love or care about. Certainly, I'm stronger than that person, and that's some consolation.