Tao and Zen

A few years ago I came to the conclusion, though I forget exactly how, that there's no such thing as "right person, wrong time". My feeling is that if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person, and if it's the right person, there is no wrong time.

Actually, let me explicate, because that's not exactly what I mean. I'm not saying that it might not be the wrong time to get involved with a person you've decided is right. I have decided, at different times, not to get involved with a person who I think is the right person. What I mean is that if a person is the right person, they will still be the right person later; missing an opportunity now doesn't mean it won't be there later, if the person is truly the right person. And if missing the current opportunity does mean that, then it's definitely not the right person, in my opinion.

That's what most people mean by "right person, wrong time". They don't mean that a later time they'll think about this person again; they mean that they might have considered this person at a different time, but because this person doesn't fit into their life now, bye-bye person. A friendship may be attempted, but even if later on that person might fit their life, said person will not be considered.

I find this outlook well nigh incomprehensible. I have lots of people in my life, and at any given time it may or may not be "right" to be involved with any one of them. For instance, I went through a six-year period where I practiced monogamy, even though it's not really my nature, because my partner wanted me to do so. During this time I met or already knew any number of people with whom I might have wanted to become romantically involved, but because I was practicing monogamy, it wasn't the "right time". I didn't think that it would never be the right time, so while I didn't string anybody along, I never assumed that I had a "right person, wrong time" scenario. Now that I am no longer with that partner (his decision), it may be once more the "right time" to be involved with some of these other people.

I wonder if it might be because I am, by nature, polyamorous, that I have this outlook. I have a life partner, but I don't have to exclude the idea of romance with anybody else from my life simply because of that, and so I don't need to worry about whether or not someone is more "right" for me than he is or whether or not it might be the wrong time. My feeling is that I will get involved with the right people when the time is, in fact, right.

Originally posted in my LiveJournal.

Here's the part where I'm supposed to reminisce about 2004 and make resolutions for 2005. Mm whatever.

2004 was an interesting year. Some bad things happened but in pretty much every case they turned into something good, and I learned useful lessons. I would say the only lasting damage from a bad thing that happened (the car accident) is that I'm still somewhat traumatized about driving. But that's pretty minor and I've managed to avoid situations that stress me out. Of course, given that the whole thing is still under investigation by the insurance company, I may see further damage from that in the future, but you know...I'm just not going to worry about it.

I saw much evidence during the year that trusting my instincts is a good thing. This directly contradicts things I'd been taught from early childhood on, so I really need to work on honing said instincts and learning to follow them. However, it's also true that I have to temper that with logic -- I can't just let the instincts go nuts, either. It's not going to be easy but I've already made a start on it, thanks in part to some wonderful people I've gotten to know in the past couple of years.

One thing I learned, from a couple of totally unrelated situations that I was in, is that it is never a good idea to confide in one person about another. It doesn't matter if the person you're confiding in is really close to you, and/or you both appear to agree about the person who is the subject. It doesn't even matter if the confidence is about positive stuff (i.e. your postive feelings for the person who's the subject), beyond a simple "X is nice". It's just never, never, ever a good idea. This is something that's really difficult for me because I tend to talk to people about my feelings about other people, for a sanity check or whatever. This relates to the whole "trust your instincts" thing I guess. I need to learn to do this and just never, ever talk about people to other people, no matter who any of these people are. If it's about personal feelings, good or bad, about a person instead of primarily about a situation...no talking. My intent was never to gossip but I think that was the end result, and it bit my ass both at work (that last friends-locked post I made was a result of that) and in personal situations.

I think those are really the two big lessons from this year, and they've both really changed my life, for the better. In both cases I have a lot of work to do.

I also accomplished quite a lot this year, both personally and professionally, and I'm very proud of these things. I didn't finish my Infosec book (I'd still like to do that, and I do have a rough draft) and I didn't lose weight; both these things are things I'd like to work on. We also didn't move, but I am not sure I want to anymore. I still hate my commute but I have a lot more freedom about actually going into the office so that may not matter. While the place we were moving to is nicer than where we live in a lot of ways, I like living in LA itself and this place has a lot of advantages too. So I don't think of that as an anti-accomplishment, really, even though for a while it was very important to me.

In balance, while I don't think I enjoyed a lot of it at the time, it was a positive year. Next year is going to be very exciting at work; for personal things, my hope is that I will rewrite and shop my 2004 NaNo entry, rewrite and shop my Infosec book, and get on a working weightloss plan (I'm still into low carb but I have not been working out and I need to start).

My other big desire is to do some traveling next year. I still want to pull off my Fabulous East Coast Tour™, which was supposed to happen Autumn 2004 but didn't (mostly due to my having cashed in my vacation days). So we'll see about that. I will definitely be doing some traveling for work but I am not sure how much of that will involve places where I have friends/family.

Merry New Year, everyone. I know from some it's not the "real" New Year, but it's the end of the calendar year 2004 and beginning of 2005, so.