Tao and Zen

Originally posted to my LiveJournal on 5/4/2003

I am never going to be content with less than everything that I can be.

I am never going to accept limitations. There may be setbacks, and there may be changes of plans, but there are no no-win scenarios. I will never accept defeat.

I will never believe that I can't have something because I'm not smart enough, not young enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, and not male enough. I am a woman in a man's field, and I am going to keep doing what I am doing until I don't feel like doing it anymore. I may never be the best that there is, but I will make my mark, and when I'm done, it's going to be obvious that I am damned good.

I will never let anyone tell me that what I am is wrong. I can make mistakes, and I can stumble, but I myself am not wrong. I carry myself like a banner, and I will accomplish what I set out to accomplish because I am good at what I do and what I am.

I am one hell of a: mother, cook, friend, lover, writer, security engineer. I'm a night person but I can get up while it's still dark and do the job of at least three people. I'm chronically ill but I have never let that stop me. I'm not afraid to cry, and I'm not afraid to get angry, and I'm not afraid to bleed.

I give as good as I get. Treat me like dirt and I'll give you mud. Treat me like gold and I will shine on you as brightly as the sun. Hurt my children and I will turn on you. I am your mirror.

I move like the wind. I like my habits but I change them without warning. I talk to animals and trees. I sing to the stars. I dance the patterns. I can be like a breath of fresh air, or I can be like a sudden summer storm. Don't underestimate me.

I will never be content to sit still. If I am not discovering something new I will die. There will always be new territory to conquer. I will die with my boots on, if only figuratively. I will never sing a swan song.

You can't tell me that I shouldn't do something. I've never been afraid to do the things I shouldn't do. At times I am cautious, but I am never feeble. I have my phobias but I shall conquer every one. I have my dislikes but I am never afraid to try something new...and then try again later to see if I've changed my mind. And I change my mind a lot...because I can.

I'm not afraid to love, and not afraid to admit to it. I'm not afraid to dance in public. I'm not afraid to try something even if there's no chance of it working; the attempt itself is my triumph. I'm not afraid to be mistaken because I'll never be wrong if I'm not afraid.

Did you lose me? You didn't deserve me. Did you miss me? You didn't even see me. Do you hate me? It's because you fear me. If you knew the truth, you'd be as free as I am, free to dance through the grass in the starlight, in the sunlight, in the rain. Do you love me? Then you know.

I'm never going to step back because someone told me it wasn't my turn. It is my turn. And I won't stop turning. If you're smart, you'll follow and you'll turn too. Don't lose sight. Don't give up. Don't underestimate. Don't let go.

I want to make one thing perfectly clear. It's me.

Originally posted in my LiveJournal on 4/26/2002

It's time for one of my philosophical treatises, wherein I blow smoke out my ass and everyone skims over the entry. This is not a problem for me as I write mostly for myself, just as I talk just to hear my own honeyed tones. Whatever.

I've been doing some thinking about life. Over the years I've often said that life is what you make of it, and then of course I get arguments from all sides about how sometimes you can't help the things life throws at you. And of course, that's true. You can't. Sometimes it's just beyond your control.

But I will repeat this till I get hoarse, and then I'll put up little signs: How you feel about your life is TOTALLY up to you. You can take one hell of a good life and paint it to look like pure misery; likewise, you can take disaster after disaster and still answer "Never better" when someone asks you how you are. It is up to you, what you make of the circumstances that life will throw at you.

One morning I was in a terrible funk. I kept repeating a certain thing over and over to myself. It was something that wounded me so deeply, that not only made a fresh cut but that opened up every single goddamned wound I'd had from babyhood on. Every rejection, every taunt, every time someone let me know that I wasn't, in some way, good enough -- it all came to the surface. I felt like the most worthless person on Earth.

And then, all of a sudden, I had a flash of insight. Nobody was doing this to me. I was doing this to myself. There was nobody in my life who even wanted me to feel this horrible. Only I did -- because painful as it was, it was easier than believing in myself.

In the film Pretty Woman, Richard Gere tries to tell Julia Roberts that she doesn't need to be a hooker, that she is much more intelligent and talented than that. She replies, "When you start to believe in yourself, people put you down. The bad stuff is easier to believe." It is, too. Believing the "bad stuff" allows you to avoid responsibility for making your life everything it could be, because when something goes wrong, you can just shake your head and say, "Well, I suck, that's why."

I'm going to really go out on a limb and say this: anybody who can read this has a good life. OK, wait, before you scream at me -- yes, I know, the specific circumstances might suck. Please believe me when I say that I have been there. I have, at the beginning of many months, questioned whether we should pay the rent, pay the bills, or buy food. I have been homeless (though never, thank god, actually on the street). I have been too sick to move. I've been jilted more often than I can count (literally -- ok, maybe I can count that high but it would take a while). I've been a single mom without a job...and so on. And I know that it's very, very hard to take those lemons and make lemonade when you don't have the money for the sugar.

On the other hand, while it may help, having disposable cash, good health, and great sex doesn't automatically make your life perfect, not if you're still believing the bad stuff. How happy you are about your fortune or lack thereof is directly related to how you feel about YOU. I believe this because I know that circumstances can change in the blink of an eye. Right now I have money, relative good health, and lots of love in my life. I could lose ALL of that tomorrow -- hell, I've been closer to the edge than I'd like to think several times in the past year and change. Even just a month or so ago I made tentative plans in case we lost our ability to pay rent and had to live out of our cars (see, we're lucky, we have two and his is paid for). I was tremendously cheerful as I did this, because I really didn't see the point in panicking and getting depressed about it. We've been up, we've been down, and we'll probably be up and down again. I've done the panicking and the despair and I just can't do it anymore.

I think that a fine whine should, at times, be enjoyed. I know I certainly do. I love to rant and rave and piss and moan -- my mother used to say that you knew I was ok as long as I was kicking up a fuss, that you should only really WORRY about me if I got quiet. But I also know that sometimes you can forget to see the forest for the trees. You maybe can't afford to buy the sugar to make lemonade from those lemons...but I'll bet you know where to get some honey. C'mon. You do. You know it.

And before anybody kicks my ass -- I'm writing this for ME, too. I never want to spend another morning crying because of the "bad stuff". Life is WAY too short for that.

G'bless.

On my desk I have a coffee cup. I guess it's supposed to be a romantic kind of present to give your lover or whatever, but I bought it for myself because I like to have the words printed on it in front of me all the time. I don't just keep it for show; I drink my coffee out of it. I feel that drinking out of a container imprinted with words that one wishes to follow is a self-actualizing ritual.

The words are paraphrased from Paul's first letter to the Corinithians, Chapter 13, verses four through eight. Without realizing it, many people, Christian or not, know that passage. The cup says:

Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, love does not brag. It is not arrogant, is not provoked. Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

This is Paul's definition of god's love for us: unconditional love. As a follower of Dionysos, I aspire to unconditional love, as painful and frightening as the concept sometimes is. So here's how I stack up, clause by clause, to the best of my self-knowledge:

• Love is patient

I am not what I'd call a patient person. However, I'll also say that when I love someone, I am very willing to wait. I may not wait for our specific relationship (for instance, I may give up on a romance with someone who's not ready), but if I have committed to love, I will wait for that person's response indefinitely.

• Love is kind

I feel that I am fairly good at being kind to the people I love, despite the fact that I'm very emotional and do tend to let my frustrations show at the time that I feel them. Where I fall down is that if someone I love is not being kind to me, I will not always be kind to them either. I need to work on this, and on being kind to people in general (even if they are not kind to me).

• Love is not jealous

Jealousy is one of those words that's often misunderstood. In a romantic relationship, the meaning is that one suspects one's partner of infidelity. That would definitely not describe me; I am never suspicious. I am possessive of my lover's time and attention, or at least, historically, I have been; it's something I've been working on and I think I'm better at that now.

Jealousy in general, though, without the extra baggage of the romantic partner, is something that I could probably be justly accused of. When one is jealous the implication is that one has doubts about one's own worth in comparison to another's; I know I've definitely had that problem, so yes, I am probably jealous. Clearly this is something I need to work on, and I do believe I've seen progress in recent months. However, I was accused of it not so long ago (the actual charge was "competitiveness"), so clearly, I'm not out of the woods yet.

• Love does not brag

I think that this is part of the same problem as jealousy. One brags when one is not so sure of one's worth. I try to be proud of myself and my achievements, but bragging means I am not sure of them. I think I don't brag, but I am not sure that I never do.

• Love is not arrogant

Again, it's not wrong to be proud of what one has accomplished, but arrogance implies self-doubt. If I'm sure of myself I have no need to be arrogant. In my loving relationships I think I succeed in not being arrogant. Still, given my tendencies toward self-doubt, this is definitely something I need to watch out for.

• Love is not provoked

I have said many times that if I am not being treated well by a loved one that I will give back as good as I've received. Obviously, I can be provoked.

I think the reason for this is fear (and the self-doubt I've mentioned). If someone in a loving relationship isn't treating me well, certainly I don't have to put up with that; but lashing out in my own turn shows weakness. It's not about high moral ground -- I already have that because I don't strike first -- it's about adhering to one's own beliefs about love. Love is not provoked.

There are certain things I've done -- and I'm not talking about snarkiness, I'm talking about high-level decisions, though snarkiness isn't really great either -- that were done with the best of intentions, that might be seen as a response to provocation. I will sometimes review and question those actions and ask myself, "Was I provoked? Did I do the right thing?" Sometimes I find for myself, sometimes against. I think that this year I've been better about not being provoked than ever before, but I know that not every observer might agree with this assessment. There's definitely still a ways to go.

• Love is never rude

I think what's meant here is that when one loves one does not put one's self forward out of turn. I think that, while I might make mistakes, I'm actually pretty good at this one.

• Love is not self-seeking

This is further to the last. If one loves, one does not do things merely for one's own sake. Now, don't get me wrong, I won't say I'm not selfish or spoiled, but when I make important decisions, I don't do them primarily with myself in mind. I care about my own happiness, and I won't lie about that. But I don't care about my happiness more than that of my loved one.

• Love is not prone to anger

Well, I'll be the first to admit that I have a bad temper. But that's not what this statement refers to. What it means is that when something less than wonderful happens, one should not respond immediately with anger. When something happens that hurts me, I try to understand the other person's perspective, so I'm actually doing well with this one. I'm even becoming better at not being angry or bitter if there's no honest attempt on the other person's part to help me understand.

• Love does not brood over injuries

Ah, well, that's been a problem of mine in the past, I know. I've specifically been working on it and I think I'm better than I used to be. I will, as I mentioned, become bitter if there's no resolution to the hurt a loved one has caused me. Being bitter will cause me to brood. However, I've recognized this as a problem, I'm actively working on it, and I've definitely seen some improvements in recent months.

• Love does not rejoice in what is wrong, but rejoices with the truth

In other words, if one loves, one does not rejoice at dishonorable behavior on the part of one's loved ones or their friends. That's not to say one should always go around being a Goody Two Shoes; it just means that one does not encourage dishonorable behavior. In my mind, this sort of goes along with not being provoked. For instance, if my loved one insults me, rather than insulting back (as I've done -- perhaps not at first but after awhile), I should continue to behave as I believe is right, regardless of what my loved one is doing. After all, my loved one's behavior really doesn't affect me if I don't believe the insults or whatever. In the same way, if my loved one is behaving in a dishonorable fashion, I don't need to take it personally, but neither should I participate in it.

This is really a much more loaded statement, then, than it appears. It's not just saying "don't participate"; it's saying that I don't need to stop loving someone, or separate myself from that person, because he or she is doing something that I consider dishonorable. After all, if I have a strong sense of my own self-worth, their negative actions have no bearing on me.

Hmn. Powerful stuff, if so. And if it's true, then I'm not so good at this. However, I am fairly good at not participating.

• Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

This is really saying the same thing over and over again. Love takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Love doesn't say "It was too much to ask." Love doesn't say, "I'll wait until X time and then forget about it."

In one sense, yeah, that's me. I won't wait forever for a relationship to happen, or resolve itself, but I will certainly wait forever for love. For instance, if I want to have a romantic relationship with someone, and the timing isn't right, I won't necessarily keep that "slot" open indefinitely. But if I've committed to loving the person, it doesn't matter what "slot" they occupy; I love them. I wish for good things to happen to them. I will be there if they call on me.

In another sense, I do have to say I haven't perfected this. If I'm very, very hurt by someone, and I'm angry and bitter (but see above, where I'm working on the anger/bitterness), I will fail in love for that person until I'm at a better place. I'll wish that person ill. I won't believe anything good about him or her. That's not very...enduring? of me. I get past it but I'd like to handle it differently. Perhaps the fact that I'm working on the tendency towards anger and bitterness will help with that.

• Love never fails

I take this to mean that love, if it is real, never ends. The relationship might end; I and my loved one may never speak again. But once having loved, I will always love.

Again, I fail at love sometimes. But I have said before, and I think it's true, that I still love anybody whom I have ever loved...and it's true sometimes even when I wish that I didn't.