Tao and Zen

I had a mini-epiphany recently. One of my friends recently spoke of someone else he knows, and mentioned that that person can't conceive of [two members of the appropriate sex] not having a [sexual] relationship once the friendship reaches a certain point.

The epiphany came when I realized that I'm like that too, or that rather, I can conceive of two people not having a sexual relationship once their friendship passes a certain point of intimacy, but for me, I do want that sexual relationship. Or at least, I want it to be an option. This has led to me "falling in love" with, and asking for or suggesting sex with, most of my closest friends. I don't assume everyone operates this way, but it's the way I am.

Frankly, I don't think there's a problem with being this way, and in fact, I know a lot of other people who feel the same way, that sex is an entirely natural extension of an intimate friendship. When the movie Alexander came out, a whole lot of little fangirls were giggling over the relationship between Alexander and Hephaistion. What they don't realize is that in Alexander's time, such a relationship -- sex between intimate friends -- was normal and expected in most of the civilized world. My world view may no longer be the norm, but it's not too weird either, and as I say, I know other people who share it.

Still, it's caused me trouble. I remember a young man saying to me once, "Mimi, you don't have to have sex with all of your friends," when he politely turned me down. I was too confused to answer. I had never been in the situation before where I felt this way about somebody, and knew he was attracted to me too, but where "nothing" (i.e. nothing sexual) was going to happen. It took me a long time to learn this lesson, actually, and the sad part is not that I was hurt in the process; the sad part is that I hurt other people, utterly without intending to. In fact the one thing that I never wanted to do was hurt these people I loved. I think, in the end, that knowing I've done so is a very fitting punishment for my sins.

About a year ago, I had cold water dashed on me by someone I cared about very much, in the form of telling me how annoying was my (in my eyes, very minor) questing for sex in our intimate friendship. It wasn't the first time I'd been told that, but it was the first time anybody had ever put it so flatly. I finally learned my lesson. Oh, it's not the last time I'll ever let someone I feel deeply about know that I'd be interested in sex if they were. But I think I've finally realized -- odd as it may sound that it's taken me so long -- that the way I see things, while not wrong, is fairly unusual. So, I'll offer it as a complimentary suggestion, and if there's no reciprocity, that is that.

Last night I dreamed about someone with whom I have an intimate friendship, and who does look at things the way I do (or at least, doesn't find it odd). I'm not sure exactly why I had that dream, but perhaps it's a sign that I need to say something about my outlook, as both a public apology to those I've hurt, and an explanation to those with whom I'm currently in close or intimate friendships.

So mote it be.