Tao and Zen

Below is a comment that I made in another person's journal, slightly edited for clarity:

M's advice -- "assume good intentions" -- is awesome. It doesn't really apply to me though. I don't assume BAD intentions, per se. I just assume, especially in the last six months (but it's been something I've been learning for years now), that some people, when they interact with me, are not really concerned as much with my needs and feelings as they are with their own agendas. I base this assumption on past interactions with those people, not (just) on cynicism (i.e., I wait for two or three pieces of what to me is obvious evidence, and factor in how much I've felt screwed over lately in general).

Because of that, I find myself less inclined, as time goes on, to go against my own needs and feelings and do things that people ask me to do simply because I love them. In other words, when considering something that someone asks me to do that would be "not good for me", I am less inclined to do it, where once I would have done. In general I feel that were the situation reversed, the person involved would not be doing those things for me. This is not to say that if I think someone wouldn't do something for me I won't do it for them; it's much more complex than that and I weigh in a lot of other factors. For instance, if I know X wouldn't do Y for me, but X is begging me to do Y for him and acknowleding that it's a big PITA but please please please, I'll probably do it.

And sometimes I just do it anyway, because I'm all about the unconditional love. Just, eh, one has to protect one's self too.

I repeat: I'm all about the unconditional love. But I think it's also true that sometimes, you have to take care of yourself. I'm very understanding when someone falls short of what I'd like them to be or do for me, but being understanding doesn't mean that I'm going to just stand there and accept being treated less well than I want to be. When these things happen and I sense a pattern, I step back. I'm still there for the person as a resource, and I'm still loving and giving, but I am more reserved, emotionally speaking.

An example of this is if I'm asked for more than I can easily give (for whatever reason), repeatedly, or if someone repeatedly breaks a promise or commitment to me, even with good reasons each time. After a bit, I will make myself a little less available in some ways, or I will be less enthusiastic when a new promise is made. I still care and I still love, but I become more reserved and just a bit more distant.

I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. On the one hand, I do it to protect myself, just a little bit -- to give myself just a tiny cushion from being hurt by that person in the future, and I do it because experience tells me that that person is in fact going to hurt me, if only in little ways. On the other hand I wonder sometimes if becoming more reserved is the best thing to do. I know there are certain people with whom I can never be reserved, who have only to call and I'll fling myself over whatever emotional cliff may be necessary -- and this may be despite the fact that our relationship is hidden so deep so as to be almost invisible.

So it seems to me that with certain people I distance myself when I am disappointed by them, while with others I am never disappointed by anything they do in the first place. And I wonder if I have done the wrong thing, to ever love people for whom I can't help but reserve myself from a little, if perhaps I should only love the people whom I can always love unreservedly. It's not that I love the former group less; it's that I love them less freely. And I wonder if that is a bad thing.