The Scoop
Relationship Q & A
Some of us got asked these questions, on a different forum. Here are my answers.1. What do you expect from someone who loves you? Please break this down into:
First of all, the questioner makes it clear that eros is the love being talked about, i.e. romantic love rather than friendship.
a. Communication
I expect that if you have an issue with me, that you will tell me. Maybe not right away, but I expect that you won't just let it fester. I don't want to hear years from now "Well, I wanted to tell you X but I never felt I could." If you couldn't, what were you doing in a relationship with me?
I also expect that my lover wants to hear what I want to tell them, even if it's not about us, it's just bitching about my day or whatever. If my lover doesn't enjoy listening to me babble, we're in trouble.
b. Affection
I'm a little weird about affection. I like to be cuddled and kissed and snuggled and hugged and have my hand held a LOT. However, on a day-in, day-out basis, you should be aware that when I am late for work is NOT the time to get all romantical. It's not that work is more important than love, of course. But I could get into the habit of enjoying being late for work, and then I'd be in trouble. Better not to start, in my opinion.
Also, if I'm currently actively working on something, don't start with me.
c. Support of all kinds
This is a very broad field, but basically, yes, I expect support from my lovers/sweethearts/SOs. You can disagree with me, and that's fine. If you feel strongly about whatever the issue is, and you want to discuss it, I urge you to do so. But if we have discussed it, and I still want to do whatever, I expect that you will support me even if you still feel strongly in the other direction.
d. Responsiveness
If I call out your name, I expect you to answer, unless there is some good reason why you're not. I understand the vagaries of life and that things can get busy. Just, don't leave me hanging. I am not going to chase you.
e. Consideration
This is a big one for me. When I think "consideration" what comes to mind is that you will think of my feelings or needs when you express your own. For instance, if you wanted to paint the town red, and you know my CFIDS is acting up, I expect that you'll consider this and not get in a huff if I'm whimpering while I'm doing up my laces, or if I have to, in fact, beg off. That doesn't mean it's not ok to express disappointment. Just please, do it in a way that will make me feel as if my issues matter to you. "Go see a doctor and get this fixed, dammit" is NOT consideration.
Any category you think I've left out. If a category doesn't seem relevant to you, tell me.
What about sex? I expect sex from my lovers, I do. I expect that they will find me sexy and desirable, tell me so, and want to have sex with me. Aside from sometimes being too tired (from CFIDS) to actually have sex, I have never had too much sex in my life. Let's get sweaty, baybee! (To me, this isn't covered by "affection", which is something you can do in front of the kids.)
2. How do you tell someone you have expectations of them without sounding pathetic, demanding, or like a beggar?
I clear some time with them, make sure they're comfortable, and then tell them what I want. If it's someone I see all the time, it can be more spontaneous. But in general, I just tell them. It should be a dialog, with them telling me theirs as well, and with us agreeing to those expectations.
3. What do you do when someone you love, who tells you they love you, isn't meeting your expectations?
Again, I tell them. I might wait a bit, but not for too long. There's no sense in letting it fester. It may be that they can't meet my expectations, and this could lead to my rethinking said.
For example, let's say I expect X to call me once a day at 9pm my time, to sing me to sleep. When discussing expectations with x, I tell zir this, and zie is enthusiastic because zie loves to sing and it's a great way to bond.
But then, three weeks later, X doesn't call me at 9pm. I probably let it go a few days. Depending on when I DO speak to X, I say, "Hey X, I haven't been sleeping well lately. I really need that bedtime song. Can you do better at doing that?"
X may say, "You know, Lothie, I just can't sing when I'm upset, and I'm in the middle of an unrequited love triangle at the moment. Can we change that so I call you at 9pm if I'm not verklempt?"
Now at this point, very likely, I will say, "X, if you cannot commit to 9pm every night or at least most nights, then it's better that you not do it at all, except maybe as a special occasions thing when the spirit moves me."
X might say, "No need to sulk, you know."
"No no," I'll say. "It's ok if you can't sing when you're upset. I understand. But my need involves consistency. Therefore, I'd rather not EXPECT you to sing me to sleep, and then I won't be upset when you don't. Let's just leave me that you call me when you feel like it, and if that's more often rather than less, great. But this way I won't feel bad and you won't have any pressure on you."
See, to me, it's all about making it work for BOTH of us. If it only works for me, then it's not a relationship -- it's slavery.
4. In light of phrases like, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't put conditions on our love," and "If you loved me, you'd let me manipulate you!"-- is it appropriate to have expectations of people who love you at all? Why or why not? Is there a better way to say you expect things of the people who are in your life than to use the word, 'expectation'?
Actually, I think the former phrase grew out of the latter. The latter was a joke between me and S, IIRC (I think about someone else's relationship and how manipulative that person was), and I was thinking of it when I came up with the former, in trying to illustrate to one of my lovers that "if you really loved me" was a trap.
Anyway.
Expectations are not conditions. A condition is when your lover tells you that, in order for them to continue either being in a relationship with you or loving you at all, you must do XYZ. For it to feel like a condition, XYZ would generally be something which does not really come easily to you.
An expectation is when your lover tells you that they have certain general standards or desires that they expect you to adhere to. Sometimes the expectation, as in my example above, will be for something specific, but face it, that example was pretty artificial. Usually it's something more along the lines of "I expect that you'll answer the phone when I call" or "I expect that when I open my arms you'll smile and hug me" or something like that.
Also, conditions are something one imposes. As I mentioned above, my expectations are something that I discuss with you and that I am willing to work with you on. A condition is something that you must, or must not, do in order for us to keep going. A condition is, in essence, a threat. I do not put conditions on my love. Hell, I do not even expect you to love me back, although if you don't, my love may eventually fade to a soft grey.
Now, of course, you might say, "OK. Let's take treating someone with respect. Is this an expectation, or a condition, given that if your lover doesn't treat you with respect, you will probably eventually end the relationship?" I still say that this is an expectation, and not a condition. The reason for this is that the expectation, unlike some expectations and all conditions, is mutual. You expect your lover to treat you with respect *as you would treat them with respect*. Discussion comes in when there are differing ideas on what "respect" means, and then the two parties work it out. To me, a condition is something that is non-mutual and that the person imposing the condition is not willing to discuss and work out so that it works for BOTH parties.
In my book, the absence of conditions -- as defined above -- is an expectation of mine. It's not a condition -- I'm willing to discuss it and work with someone who wants to impose conditions -- but it is definitely an expectation that I have coming into a relationship.
5. What expectations do you assume your lover(s) has/have of you? Please break this down into:
a. Communication
I assume that you expect me to communicate with you -- i.e. to tell you things, not just say hello or whatever, and to let you know if I have a problem (and/or be willing to talk to you if you do).
b. Affection
I assume you want to be touched in various ways by me (that we will discuss so that I know what ways aren't ok, and at what times). I assume there are times you most likely do not want to be touched, and it's my responsibility to know these times and respect them.
c. Support of all kinds
I assume you expect me to support you in your endeavors, whether or not I participate in them, or even agree with them, simply because I love you.
d. Responsiveness
I assume you expect me to be there for you, and that we will discuss what this means. I don't assume, but I do acknowledge, that you may expect a greater degree of responsiveness from me than I am used to giving, and so we will have to carefully define our terms.
e. Consideration
I assume that you have feelings and needs and that one of those needs is for me to handle them with care. In fact, I assume that you expect me to show you more consideration than you know I expect you to show me, though this may or may not be true of you.
If you aren't sure what those expectations are, how do you find out what their expectations are? (I know, the simple answer is "ask them," but....)
Yes, asking is a good thing. But sometimes, when you just come out bluntly and ask, people have a hard time answering. Really, the best way to find out someone's expectations, if you can't just ask, is to fail to meet them. That's a great way to start a conversation if nothing else will do. I don't just say "I'm sorry" if I've failed to meet an expectation. I explore the concept and discuss it until I know what you want, and then we agree on something.
6. Is it unhealthy to assume that what other people do for you is what they'd want done for themselves, or just stupid? Corrollary: How stupid is it to presume or hope for the converse-- that other people will do for you what you do for them?
I don't think it's unhealthy or stupid; it just isn't necessarily an infallible guide and is certainly no substitute for talking about the issues. The converse isn't stupid either, per se, but I don't think you can have the expectation of your lovers that if you do X in Y way they will do the same. People are different. You might say, "Well, it seems to me that I'm just doing what anyone who loves someone would do." This is perilously close to imposing a condition, because the corollary is that if they "truly" loved you, they'd do it for you. Love doesn't work that way and you have to leave people free to express that love the way they want to, as long as it is not actively hurting you (i.e., "I'm expressing my love by calling you 'stupid bitch' is not a valid example in my book). If it passively hurts you, that is, if they are failing to meet an expectation of yours (expressed or otherwise), then it is time to sit down and talk about that.
Last modified: 12/10/2005 12:22:42 AM